daily prophet

My dear readers, in my many years writing for you at The Daily Prophet, I have brought you many important biographies of leading personalities of our time, including “Armando Dippet: Master or Moron?,” “The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore,” and “Snape: Scoundrel or Saint?” My newest work, “Liz Braun: Ministress of Muggles” explores a [...]

Harry Potter. It hardly seems possible to imagine a time when the name could be read on a page without conjuring (no pun intended) associations of bygone hours of enraptured entertainment for every reader, or even the casual film-goer.  The franchise has been built by the marketing forces behind international publishing houses and movie studios [...]

With tears in his sometimes green, sometimes blue eyes, Josh McLucas ’15 related the sometimes tragic, often challenging, ever exciting process of creating “The Horizon (Line): Salvador Dali Fucks With You For An Hour In Paces,” the first devised piece by Swarthmore’s new theater troupe, Architectonic Laboratories. “It started as ‘Dali gives a lecture about [...]

No one knows where Swarthmore is except for the few who live, teach or are taught at Swarthmore, undeniable evidence that the school is actually unplottable. Our campus lies within the Forbidden Forest and we—forbidden to climb our carefully labeled trees as precaution against the unsuspected attack of hidden Whomping Willows—barely ever venture outside this [...]

Miss Columnist of the Order of the Phoenix, I seem to be having a dreadful dilemma. After six loving years of marriage to my red-headed delight of wife, I find that I am utterly incapable of getting it up. I was very active in the early years of our marriage, but lately, my poor penis [...]

On Wednesday at 4:35 p.m., a local high school senior embarked on a Swarthmore admissions tour, completely unaware that he had arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Friends and family confirmed that Matt Hughes, 17, a lifelong Harry Potter fan, had no idea that Swarthmore College was an exact duplicate of J.K. Rowling’s [...]

Let’s be honest. The magical world suffers desperately from a lack of entertainment. Sure, there’s quidditch. Quidditch has flying and bludgers to make it exciting, but is that really enough? In the muggle world, the most popular sports include football and ice hockey, sports that involve smashing into people as hard as you can. Quidditch [...]

The 2012 campaign season is barely over, and the Dark Lord Sauron has narrowly won reelection as President of the League of Evil, but already the nation faces a new high-stakes political showdown. A majority of muggles believe the so-called “fiscal cliff” poses a great threat to our financial stability, as a combination of spending [...]