Back to the future

In print | Published October 9, 2008

And now, for something completely different:
The Swatorialist Interviews …
Guy Fawkes
Stevie Wonder
Marie Antoinette
Jane Fonda
Genghis Khan

THE SWATORIALIST

The Swatorialist: What is your wardrobe staple/one item of clothing/accessory you can’t live without? Is there a story behind why it is so special to you?

Stevie Wonder: Probably the glasses. I was in a store one day and the salesman just thought that they looked so good on me that he didn’t even make me pay! “Just take ’em” he said. “Just take ’em and get the [censored] out of my store.”

Genghis Khan: There is this really sweet knife that I jacked off of my friend’s slowly dying body after I stabbed him in the stomach when I duped him into attacking us. I’d like to see someone else deny me huge, disruptive military action against tenuously allied clans the next time I try to steal my wife back.

Marie Antoinette: I have this little sterling silver and diamond charm bracelet and it’s just covered in all of these decadent little desserts and pastries. It’s sort of an inside joke.

TS: Furs and leather, do or don’t?
GF: It depends on whether what I’m wearing has maimed multiple members of parliament or not.
MA: Do. Duh.
GK: What else would I wear?
Jane Fonda: You know, I tried it when I was filming 1986’s “Low Impact Aerobic Workout”, but it really doesn’t breathe that well. My vote is no.

TS: What comes first, vanity or comfort? Why?
GF: Let me tell you, Ming. (Can I call you Ming?) I made the mistake of looking good on my execution day and WOW. The high-collar-meets-hangman’s-noose? Hands down the worst chafing I have ever experienced.
JF: Let’s go back to the fur question for a second. Style doesn’t work with people who are trying to trim fat from their problem areas. That being said, solid, bright colors or mix and match pastels go a long way towards making an otherwise drab outfit look fantastic.
MA: Certainly vanity. “Comfort Fair”? What a bumpkin joke of a magazine that would be. What’s next, “Ugliness Magazine”?

TS: Do you consider yourself to be a style icon?
GK: Are you joking? I’m all over a national currency and I’m directly responsible for the destruction of loads of Middle Eastern cultures.
SW: Well, I’m a musician, and if that has taught me anything it’s that, well, babes will do almost anything for a guy who can play the piano.
JF: I mean, I feel like we’ve overdone the rhetorical question as a response, but have you taken a look at my extensive list of exercise films? Namely, 1991’s “Jane Fonda’s Lower Body Solution” and 1995’s “Jane Fonda’s Personal Trainer Series: Abs, Buns & Thighs”.

TS: What’s one advantage that women/men have over the other sex in terms of style?
GF: Nothing.
SW: Falsetto sounds kind of terrible. Although, when I really stop and think about it, so do sopranos.
MA: Everything.
JF: Scrunchies.
GK: They’re much better at milking domestic animals than men. Not to stereotype or anything, but it’s the truth.

TS: If you could pick someone to play you in a movie, who would it be?
GF: I don’t really care, as long as they wear a mask that looks just like my face with a sweet diabolical expression.
JF: Hello? Me.
GK: You know what? I don’t want to answer this question. Did you know that the most recent story about my life featured a JAPANESE guy pretending to be me? Unreal. UNREAL.

TS: Who has better style, Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain?
SW: Having seen neither of them, I would infer the following: Cindy McCain is somehow interlinked with Anheuser-Busch. Most of their beer has no taste, so it follows that Mrs. McCain wouldn’t either.
MA: Hold on. Are you trying to say that an heiress to a beer fortune has no style? Preposterous. Paris Hilton and that (I can’t believe I’m going to pay a compliment to someone from across the channel) Guinness chick are major babes. McCain in a landslide.
JF: It’s true, McCain does have extensive experience smiling and looking pretty next to someone with lots of power/wealth. Mrs. Obama is pretty new to the field.

Disclosure note: All responses to interview questions were written by Andrew Crispin ’09.
Ming is a sophomore. You can reach her at mcai1@swarthmore.edu.