BY MARA REVKIN

In print | April 1, 2007

On Monday morning, Chris Bruno, the proprietor of Da Vinci’s Cheese Court, stood on a wheel of Jarlsberg to declare his establishment’s secession from the United States.

Bruno’s declaration was the culmination of months of heated negotiations with local Quaker leaders, who objected vociferously to the owner’s requests that local zoning ordinances be reconfigured to accommodate “venues and beverages that appeal to young people,” Bruno said.

Having invoked The Cheese Court’s U.N.-guaranteed right to self-determination, Bruno is now exempt from the Borough’s longstanding prohibition on liquor licensing.

Borough Council President Peg Hebner confirmed that Da Vinci’s is no longer subject to Pennsylvania laws regulating the sale and consumption of alcohol. According to Hebner, Bruno’s evasion of zoning laws threatens to create “a libertarian loophole,” which may encourage other businesses to follow suit.

Lynne Piersol, clerk for the Religious Society of Friends, said that the Meeting was prepared to mobilize Swarthmoreans in opposition to subsequent declarations of independence. “Friends don’t let friends exempt themselves from their civic duties and retreat into a private enclave of sin. The Quakers will retaliate,” Piersol said.

Members of the Knit-Wits and SWIL were conspicuously passed over in Bruno’s first round of political appointments, giving rise to allegations of political patronage and institutional bias in favor of fraternity members.

Bruno brusquely denied these claims, asserting that the demographic composition of his government reflects his clientele accurately and fully. “It’s a fiduciary arrangement, you know, like totally reciprocal,” Bruno said. “They buy my cheese and I endorse their [political] parties.”

Bruno’s longtime business rival and nemesis, Dunkin Donuts’ manager Shirish Patel, said he had not ruled out the possibility of seceding from the union, in a last-ditch effort to salvage his floundering franchise.

“Who actually dunks a donut?” Patel said, adding that a campaign to diversify the establishment’s beverage selection might include renaming it “Crunkin’ Donuts.” Patel said he is in the process of recruiting a focus group to assess the commercial viability of an upcoming product, Coffee Brewlatta.

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